Original Handbook to Football         Jan 12, 1998

Well, first of all, I DID spell 'Super Bowl' as 'Super Ball' on purpose! They do use balls to play, and not bowls, don't they? {g} Second of all, now, if I ever should make a typo (or you would *think* it was an error), my butt is going to get blasted with the branding e-mail, won't it? Alas, I asked for it! Oh, please don't do it to me. Ahhh ...the tribulations of being The Joke Mistress.... {g} Thanks for giving me a break!

TBerg111 writes, "I thought Super Ball had some sexual connotation regarding the national orgasm over the game." You got that right! - ^v^

DRicha3323 writes, "In the pass few years the SUPERBOWL has become a SUPERBORE, especially the half time shows!" I don't even watch it. - ^v^

And now.... another football joke... please notice... 'football'... not 'footbowl'..... {hehehe} It's a repeat but worth it.

LadyHawke
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"Original Handbook to Football"
(An alternative to Standardized Guide to Bases)

Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?... Well forget em!! This is "FOOTBALL!"

With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between second and third base and all that other crap. And you wonder why there was a strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved using :

The Original Handbook Of Football.

WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (if you're not on the field, get on) your:

10 yard line ............. holding hands
20 yard line ............. hugging
30 yard line ............. kiss on the cheek
40 yard line ............. kiss on the lips
MIDFIELD .............. tongue kissing (serious territory)
his/her: 40 yard line ............. shirt and bra off
30 yard line ............. all clothes off
20 yard line ............. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
1ST AND GOAL ............. put on the condom
GOAL LINE ............. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE) NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.

kickoff...................making the first move (asking for a date)
kicking it deep..... Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep in your own end)
on-side kick........... Asking out a slut (starting near midfield, Onside kicks are good if they work, but are risky)
kick return..............How far you get on the first date

NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU.

Downs.....................An attempt to get more yards (get further with her.) In Canada, you get two downs and then your best kick ie. ask out a new girl cause you ain't getting further with this one. Americans are more patient, they get three downs before they should kick again

Running the Ball..........Taking it one yard at a time.
Passing Play..............Skipping stages

UH OH
Fumble....................Impotence
Fumble Recovery...........Regain erection
Interception..............Homosexuality (YOU'RE GOING THE OTHER WAY!!)

OTHER DEFINITIONS
Turnover.........................Anal sex
Field Goal......................One of you orgasm, 3 pts (Field goal range begins around 30, when the clothes are off!)
Touchdown.....................Mutual orgasm, 6 pts
Extra Point.....................The smoke afterwards
Two Point Conversion......Smoke and a Phone number
High Scoring Game.........Multiple Orgasms
Rain Delay......................Parents/Roommate comes home
Pile Up...........................ORGY
Missed Field Goal...........Wide right, Wide left or even worse, too short!
3rd down and inches......Call for a measurement (Move those Yardsticks)

THE OFFENSE
Quarterback...................The most important position, the missionary
Quarterback Sneak.........Unusual positions
Center (HUPPER)............Doggie Style
Running Back.................A hand-off
Tight End.......................Self Explanatory
Wide Receiver................Opposite of Tight End
Nose Tackle..................(Use Your Imagination)

DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)
Defensive Line...............Condom
Break in the defense......Condom breaks
The Safety....................The Pill (just to be safe)
A Blitz..........................A "Quickie"

PENALTIES
Roughing.................S & M
Holding...................Handcuffs or Restraints
Offside....................Premature Ejaculation

THE BOWLS
Rose Bowl.................Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
Citrus Bowl...............Healthy or Safe Sex
Peach Bowl..............Juicy/Wet Sex
Fiesta Bowl...............Sex in South America
Superbowl.................Marriage (The Big Dance)
Pro Bowl...................Paying for it

SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE THEM. HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS.

1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.

2. There was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to midfield but then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10 yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback who did a Quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!

3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.

4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the field goal attempt I was short.

I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL, AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS IT ON TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL WILL REPLACE THE OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT, NO LONGER FUNNY STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO THE BASES.

So, there you have it! - LadyHawke