Latest Scandal News         Mar 9, 1998

Do read between the lines and realize whom the satire really aimed at.

LadyHawke
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"Latest Scandal News"

Turmoil rocked heaven this morning as allegations arose that G-d had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to G-d's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved G-d for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with G-d, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."

In a press conference this morning, G-d issued a vehement denial, saying, "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether G-d had illegally funneled laundered money to Mary through three foreign operatives known only as the "Wise Men." Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate: that G-d had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued G-d's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorra was to divert attention from the scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised Country to a Jewish special interest group was a quid pro quo.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to G-d's career, much of which has been spent crusading for strict moral standards and harsher punishment for wrongdoers. Indeed, G-d recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses (J). Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

A. Non