"IS there a Santa Claus?" REBUTTAL Dec 23, 1997
Here is my subscriber's response to the article from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) which presented the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus known as "IS there a Santa Claus?"
LadyHawke
The skeptical article, dated December 17th appears to be conclusive but in fact is woefully lacking in better understanding of matter. 1- Santa does not have special reindeer, but rather enables ordinary reindeer to fly by special deer feed. (Don't ask Santa for the formula; I did once and he left me off the list for years - see #2) 2- With regard to the issue of how many homes Santa must visit: Not every one of the homes has even a single child that can qualify as good. Santa has very high standards, especially with regard to greedy letters most kids send. Better luck next year 3- With regard to speed, if you ask any good physicist, she will tell you that time slows down as you move close to the speed of light. Since Santa's sleigh is powered by the Christmas Star, it travels AT the speed of light. He actually arrives at the next location BEFORE he left the last one (traveling East, remember?). With regard to the time it takes to set up the presents and fill the stockings, Santa is non-union, so it doesn't take him as long as you would expect. Sidenote: all that high-speed travel reverses the aging process. That is why Santa comes just once a year. If he did it twice a year he would have been a baby again around 1900. 4- Santa's Bag of toys is actually a portal through the time/space continuum, like a wormhole. It connects directly to the North Pole warehouse. (What does he do? Beam the stuff directly like in my beloved Star Trek? Hmmm... - LadyHawke) 5- With regard to the friction, Santa's entire sleigh is designed to overt the heat of the friction to run Santa's bag of toys (see #4). The sonic booms are canceled out by the frequency of the special sleigh bells. In conclusion, Santa does exist. All that running around does require a lot of energy, though; so please remember to leave him some milk and cookies (especially chocolate chip). And if you see him, tell him I don't want the reindeer formula anymore... and the folks over at SPY Magazine do.
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