State Of The Union Address, maybe...         Mar 23, 1998

Well, everyone else is sending out this ingenious piece 
of writing.  Why can't I?  Last time I checked, it was still a free country...

LadyHawke
*~*~*~*~*~*

The State Of The Union Address That President Clinton 
Should Have Given.

Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her.  I banged 
her like a cheap gong.  Which is not news, folks, because if you think 
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you 
haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried 
to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because 
they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston 
Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.  Which isn't to say I don't appreciate 
Hillary... I do.  If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd 
be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be 
married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight.  I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing 
in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, 
sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every 
butt that entered the Oval Office.

Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I 
was as horny as Woody Allen.  But, you elected me anyway, which 
turned out to be a good move on your part.  Your other choice was 
Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place 
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into 
the White House.

Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same 
Alzheimer's he came in with.  There was Carter before him who 
brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like 
his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but 
never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and 
almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style 
of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose 
major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.

And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang 
around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the 
White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, 
government is doing more for less.  The budget is balanced for the 
first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press 
didn't seem to care about, evidently.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman.  And the stock market is higher than a D-student 
on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior 
college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the 
annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her 
next meal is coming from.

Bottom line:
I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. 
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... 
unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to 
discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and that 
kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm 
parking the Presidential limousine.

G-d Bless AMERICA. Thank you.