Of Christmas Parties Dec 11, 1997
IF your last year's party was a dud... here's how to plan a more memorable Christmas Party. It may help you in your planning - especially pertaining to your pre-party alcoholic beverage
purchases!
LadyHawke
Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level 4:
Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. Neighbors have all called 911. Sirens can be heard approaching in the background.
Seriously, you really want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is spiked eggnog.
HELPFUL TIP:
Often bail bondsmen will give you a group rate if you reach Level 4 on at least two consecutive Christmas parties!
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After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."
"He's an a**hole - piss on him!"
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah Humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
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