This is a rerun from last year.  But since my list grew 
by some ten thousand new subscribers since then, I figured 
it was safe to repeat it.  I wish I had such a friendly tax software!

LadyHawke
*~*~*~*~*~*

"Interactive Taxes Software"

Hello! Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.  
Do you feel like doing your taxes today? 

I see.  Well, don't you think you should do them anyway?  After 
all, it is April 9th.  You have less than 7 days to file. And who 
knows?  Maybe you'll get a refund.  

That's the spirit!  Let's begin with your name, address, and 
marital status.
 
Sorry to hear about the divorce.  But don't let it get you down -- 
That alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough 
financial times! 

Please don't cry.  The economy's bound to bounce back.  In the 
meantime, let's talk about dependents.  Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they're not all in college.  Do you have any other 
dependents?

Sorry.  You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend.  

I agree.  The IRS is unreasonable.  But let's move on to income.  
What were your wages in 1997?

You are having a bad go of it, aren't you?  But at least you're 
getting the Unemployment Benefits max. 

I'm afraid your Unemployment Benefits are taxable.  The 
government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don't 
blame me!  I'm just the messenger.

Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital 
gains?

Your spouse got everything, huh?  Well, look on the bright side.  
If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it. 

Please don't exit.  It was just a joke.  I don't suppose you were able 
to sock anything away into an IRA? I didn't mean to insult you; I'm 
just doing my job.  They make me ask about IRAs and Keogh 
Plans too. 

Okay, okay.  I get the point.  You're broke.  So let's go over your 
deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund.  And 
speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed 
medical expenses. 

That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac.  And your income was so low 
that most of it will be deductible! Let's move on to your state income 
taxes and real estate taxes. 

Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh?  But that huge 
mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund. What? 
You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce?  What a shame.  
But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.

You sold it at a loss?  Really?  So tell me -- Do you think housing 
is going to drop any further?  One of my other users is looking 
to buy. 

You're absolutely right.  That was a selfish and thoughtless thing 
to say.   I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the 
bugs out. 

Let's go back to your deductions.  What did you pay in mortgage 
interest?  

I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no.  But you 
may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software! 

Hey, now. Don't get your nose out of joint.  It was just a suggestion.  
Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions.  I know you 
can't afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway.  
Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check. 

Good.  Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any 
unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year? 

That's pretty much what I expected.  Just give me the numbers 
and I'll take it from there.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

I'm sorry, I don't really have time to listen about your divorce 
anymore.   What I meant was, did you have any other income or 
expenses?  Fine.  Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can 
do some quick calculations.

I have good news.  You're entitled to a $157 refund.  Would you like 
to apply it to your 1998 tax? 

I beg your pardon?  They don't pay me enough to listen to that 
kind of language!